Feels

Need to get some things off my chest so this might be a little wordy... Haha but I like to document my thoughts then read it again a few months later and laugh at myself LOL

It's a lonely Friday night and I guess my mind is running wild. I see people posting happy photos on their social platforms. Whether they are genuinely happy that's another question. But fake it till you make it right? Got me thinking... Why do I isolate myself so much? I can use one hand to count how many friends I have in school LOL or maybe I just need a few fingers to count. Maybe it's due to me not taking the initiative? I've never liked taking the initiative in anything and especially in approaching people first. Unless I'm like intoxicated? Hahaha. And that also depends on the situation. Is this normal? I don't know. I feel kind of like abnormal when I can count how many people I can truly depend on sigh. I've no cca and I want to just dash home whenever school ends. That's Cheryl Teow for you.

Currently listening to DJ Ghetto's soundcloud. Not bad what!! #Bias hehehe

Moving on. I think I might want to stop partying once and for all. I guess I'll pray for the desire or whatever to just stop. Truthfully, I like the kick you can get from alcohol but honestly, it makes me feel emptier. The highness is only temporary. After everything is over I feel more empty compared to before getting started. Why do I even go to clubs anyway? Why do I drink just for the sake of wanting to get high? Why do I avoid being sober? Nightlife is expensive and I should be spending my money wisely now that I'll be turning 20 this year. AND I NEED TO LEARN TO REJECT/SAY NO especially when I'm alone.

And thinking about year 3 stresses me out. I'll be having 5 months of attachment in total. Just kill me la. Really DETEST doing shift work. And what do I do after graduation? Or what can I even do??? I really want SAF or SCDF but MY BACK my spine will definitely restrict me. Sigh.

Oh and everyone around me ok almost everyone around me is getting attached and it kind of irks me. Not that I want someone now I STILL WANT TO PLAY and I'm really afraid of commitments and heartbreaks and all that but everyone is leaving me?!?! Who can I call if I want to hang out or chill? People always laugh at me whenever I tell them I do not settle for second best. O.K.

Reminding myself, all these shit feelings will pass. Promising myself I'll return to youth service.

School starts next week and I'll be in a new class yay.