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Excuse this post that has no directions

Today is Thursday and I don't want Friday to come. I mind taking papers and mind anything that is there to test the intelligence of my mind. I really do and it upsets me. It is tiresome and I don't know how long I can sustain. I feel perplexed and I cannot study.

its consumes me, yet it feeds my soul,
it numbs me, yet it makes me feel alive

I've learnt that loneliness can be a good friend if you allow it to but why be lonely when you can be alone?
It's odd when I don't know what kind of  'alone' I am referring to when I think of solitude. I cannot feel myself. I think I am furtherest away from myself rather than anyone of importance to me. But I like this distance I have from myself, though it is something I think I cannot detach easily away from. I've forgotten how it feels like to be carefree. Maybe I will experience it again, when my heart stops beating and my lungs stop breathing. No, not suicidal, just fallen between cracks. I told myself 2014 is all about positivity and putting my eyes on God, no self efforts, no Cheryl. But how do you learn to be positive when negativity consumes you? I can't put down 2013 like how I can put back a piece of expensive and unreasonably priced jacket back on its shelf. I am stuck in an ugly turmoil. I guess I have always feared but never acknowledged it. It is getting incredibly hard and I cannot be bothered to try anymore.

But

I feel afraid of life and I feel afraid of living. It overwhelms me. I feel disordered. Two third of February is gone. Time is like a knife that cuts the past and present. Is it too late to do new year resolutions? All in all, I think I've lost it all. But, I am determined to make and set things right. Everything will get better eventually and I will feel great. I have been blessed with people that I can be thankful for.

What is reality
What is the truth

This is balderdash

Retreat.