Fiasco

"I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pound. Sometimes in smiles."

The taste of what I last stuffed into my mouth lingers
Oil stains on my fingertips
It is not pleasure
I am not enjoying it
Instead it sets of the trigger
I take a deep breathe to calm my nerves
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale

I miss the feeling of being in control dearly
When the number drops every morning albeit rather slowly
Surviving on minimal but felt supreme
Calm and composed

I wonder what was the spark
Appearance was a minor factor

Some days I still swallow my secrets with each painful bite
I still harbour daunting thoughts
And when I find myself in a sticky situation
I ask me, Cheryl
"What will normal people do?"
Hmm

Positive days
It rarely appears
Neither does it last for long
My demon
My head
Haunt and hunt
The war in my mind
I can never win

Why

27 Vague

Yesterday marked the end of my freshman year
Well not technically because there is still the last posting
Mixed feelings
Bittersweet memories
Goodbye wasn't hard, we all departed in a happy way after feasting at Seoul Garden
I must say I have been tremendously blessed
To have pleasant classmates
To have been under compassionate and gracious mentors <3
To not get debarred
To be rejected by JH which I really am thankful for, though it did bother me for a period of time
To land myself in an unfortunate situation I would had done anything to avoid, it opened my eyes and made me realised how words from someone I've met for only 20 minutes can have such an impact
Note to self: Be careful of the words used, words really do cut deeper than any blade
It still stings
Cannot envision two tougher years ahead of me, be sure of it when I say I cannot I really can't
Furthermore with new people akin to a new environment
It makes everything more alarming and intimidating
In disfavour of finding my place again
I chose this path out of my own will but I've been thinking
It is unjustifiable for an adolescent to be conscious of what she really wants to achieve in life
I need action, give me thrills, I want to be a free spirited person
No regrets yet though only thoughts
I want to live in the countryside and be a farmer where my friends will be the animals, they won't able able to speak English but will still be able to communicate with me nonetheless
But, beyond the bounds of possibility
My eyesight is deteriorating I can sense it
Time is so very precious
Countdown
I am left with 3 days to recuperate before attachment
20 days before I pay a visit at Clinic B in the late afternoon I think
On tenterhooks
What if? What do I do now? How come? Is this really what God want for me? Is this my punishment? Why me? Why do I allow money to be thrown away? What if it fails? Didn't Jesus supposedly handled everything at the cross? Is my life something to be played with?
Bizarre unanswered questions accumulating
No one will fully understand till they go through a similar situation
If there is no progression I will make an exhaustive decision and look forward to better days
Others have it tougher
Trust God no matter what, right?
When I go to heaven none of this will matter, ultimately I will be abandoning everything, and be given a new body
Correct me if I am incorrect
Getting poor results is akin to a death sentence here in my home country
Why is that so?
Youtube advertisements are annoying me
Feeling lost in my own mind
I don't know what I am writing
Present time is 1:10 AM
21 Guns by Green Day is playing
Does that explain anything?

26

Excuse this post that has no directions

Today is Thursday and I don't want Friday to come. I mind taking papers and mind anything that is there to test the intelligence of my mind. I really do and it upsets me. It is tiresome and I don't know how long I can sustain. I feel perplexed and I cannot study.

its consumes me, yet it feeds my soul,
it numbs me, yet it makes me feel alive

I've learnt that loneliness can be a good friend if you allow it to but why be lonely when you can be alone?
It's odd when I don't know what kind of  'alone' I am referring to when I think of solitude. I cannot feel myself. I think I am furtherest away from myself rather than anyone of importance to me. But I like this distance I have from myself, though it is something I think I cannot detach easily away from. I've forgotten how it feels like to be carefree. Maybe I will experience it again, when my heart stops beating and my lungs stop breathing. No, not suicidal, just fallen between cracks. I told myself 2014 is all about positivity and putting my eyes on God, no self efforts, no Cheryl. But how do you learn to be positive when negativity consumes you? I can't put down 2013 like how I can put back a piece of expensive and unreasonably priced jacket back on its shelf. I am stuck in an ugly turmoil. I guess I have always feared but never acknowledged it. It is getting incredibly hard and I cannot be bothered to try anymore.

But

I feel afraid of life and I feel afraid of living. It overwhelms me. I feel disordered. Two third of February is gone. Time is like a knife that cuts the past and present. Is it too late to do new year resolutions? All in all, I think I've lost it all. But, I am determined to make and set things right. Everything will get better eventually and I will feel great. I have been blessed with people that I can be thankful for.

What is reality
What is the truth

This is balderdash

Retreat.