Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Finding strength in this beautiful song.
Today is Tuesday. So it will be exactly one day post operation in about 7 hours? Hmm. I really don't know how to feel honestly. Don't know if op is a good or bad thing. I was NEVER ready. Not ready to adjusting and adopting to everything. I can't bend. I need help in most stuffs. Simple things like brushing my teeth- I have to make adjustments to it cause I cannot bend over the sink. lol. I guess all these will pass with time. I'm so sick of feeling pain and sore. The painkillers are slowly losing their effectiveness I feel. AND I AM FREAKING CONSTIPATED. FOR THE LONGEST TIME. 7 days. So imagine a bloated hard heavy stomach and a super straight posture...it strains my back man. Leaving me in soreness and misery. If this is how pregnancy feels like... I need to consider having kids
Haha. Hopefully it will get better la. Trusting God it will. He already gave me a smooth operation so smooth recovery will be mine! Full recovery takes 1 full year but I'm hoping after this 1 month confinement I'll be more independent. Typing this out so hopefully I can document my journey and look back to see how far I've progressed. :)
Oh and I haven't had a good night sleep for the longest time too urgh
Please let me shit now please please pls amen amen amen
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Fiasco
"I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pound. Sometimes in smiles."
The taste of what I last stuffed into my mouth lingers
Oil stains on my fingertips
It is not pleasure
I am not enjoying it
Instead it sets of the trigger
I take a deep breathe to calm my nerves
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
I miss the feeling of being in control dearly
When the number drops every morning albeit rather slowly
Surviving on minimal but felt supreme
Calm and composed
I wonder what was the spark
Appearance was a minor factor
Some days I still swallow my secrets with each painful bite
I still harbour daunting thoughts
And when I find myself in a sticky situation
I ask me, Cheryl
"What will normal people do?"
Hmm
Positive days
It rarely appears
Neither does it last for long
My demon
My head
Haunt and hunt
The war in my mind
I can never win
Why
The taste of what I last stuffed into my mouth lingers
Oil stains on my fingertips
It is not pleasure
I am not enjoying it
Instead it sets of the trigger
I take a deep breathe to calm my nerves
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale
I miss the feeling of being in control dearly
When the number drops every morning albeit rather slowly
Surviving on minimal but felt supreme
Calm and composed
I wonder what was the spark
Appearance was a minor factor
Some days I still swallow my secrets with each painful bite
I still harbour daunting thoughts
And when I find myself in a sticky situation
I ask me, Cheryl
"What will normal people do?"
Hmm
Positive days
It rarely appears
Neither does it last for long
My demon
My head
Haunt and hunt
The war in my mind
I can never win
Why
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Scoliosis
Lately I've been reading up intensely on other people's experience of Scoliosis surgery on the net. Damn, I even went to watch a YouTube on what happens in the OT. Bad, bad choice. I won't deny I am scared. Hell, I am petrified. What if I take a long period to recover? What if I can't go back to my "normal life"? What if the surgery fails? What if... I become paralysed...?
I am afraid of IV too, which is something I cannot steer clear of. Shrieks.
Stumbled upon this whilst clearing my room months back. This was an X-ray taken in 2010. 4 years have passed and it is much worse right now. I'm hanging around the late forty/fifty degree plus for both curves I think. It affects me when I see a 'hump' protruding on my right side and my waist, it is uneven. I have to avoid wearing tight fitting tops. It really gets to me especially when I am body checking. I remember being laughed at once in secondary school, but the dude apologised in the end. I have aunts chiding me for not wearing my brace and not taking care of my spine, which I get really mad when I think about it. I do admit if I had worn my brace religiously, I might not be in this sticky situation. What's done is done anyway. Though my doctor said genetics do not play a role in scoliosis, I refuse to believe him. During my last posting, my horrid back felt really sore at the end of almost every 8 hour shift. Not sure if it is due to the shoes I'm wearing or just because.
God doesn't like to rush things right? Everything is made perfect in his image, yes? Holding on to this teeny-weeny bit of faith I have left. It is tiring out every cell inside me and I cannot be bothered to push on and try any more. I am upset. Still I am anticipating August/September. I would want this chapter of my life to close.
One thing my doctor said that lingers in my mind, "Any spine surgery is a major surgery."
Oh, I found out last night King Richard III and Usain Bolt has scoliosis too.
I am afraid of IV too, which is something I cannot steer clear of. Shrieks.
Stumbled upon this whilst clearing my room months back. This was an X-ray taken in 2010. 4 years have passed and it is much worse right now. I'm hanging around the late forty/fifty degree plus for both curves I think. It affects me when I see a 'hump' protruding on my right side and my waist, it is uneven. I have to avoid wearing tight fitting tops. It really gets to me especially when I am body checking. I remember being laughed at once in secondary school, but the dude apologised in the end. I have aunts chiding me for not wearing my brace and not taking care of my spine, which I get really mad when I think about it. I do admit if I had worn my brace religiously, I might not be in this sticky situation. What's done is done anyway. Though my doctor said genetics do not play a role in scoliosis, I refuse to believe him. During my last posting, my horrid back felt really sore at the end of almost every 8 hour shift. Not sure if it is due to the shoes I'm wearing or just because.
God doesn't like to rush things right? Everything is made perfect in his image, yes? Holding on to this teeny-weeny bit of faith I have left. It is tiring out every cell inside me and I cannot be bothered to push on and try any more. I am upset. Still I am anticipating August/September. I would want this chapter of my life to close.
One thing my doctor said that lingers in my mind, "Any spine surgery is a major surgery."
Oh, I found out last night King Richard III and Usain Bolt has scoliosis too.
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